Dim-witted statements give rise to great ideas

Engineering engenders wonderful ideas which at times metamorphose into great products reaping a lot of tangible and non tangible rewards.One is constantly bombarded with ideas during his or her engineering life. One just has to keep his or her mind open.

It was the beginning of the 7th semester and we were all still recovering from the pleasant shock after having passed in microprocessors the previous semester.
It was the Networks class. In walks a short man(we called him chotu, with love). The moment he entered we all evinced our grief. He had taught microprocessors the previous semester and he had no clue what was going on. I bet he still doesn't.

Seeing our disappointment, the first thing he said was something like "Last semester I did not know mewP well. I was new to it and I too was learning and teaching at the same time. But this time you can ask me anything in Networks. I am exceptional at it"

Seated at the last bench we couldn't see who spoke these words. By the confident tone and the sort of echo and the light rays from the window we thought God himself had spoken these words. All our apprehensions were laid to rest.
"ahhh now we can open our book a day before the exam, if not two days before", cried one smart alec.

A few minutes into the class chotu came to the topic of LAN, MAN and WAN and with the same effusion of enthusiasm that he began the class with he said something that changed our lives completely: "WAN is between countries and Internet is between planets", so much so that I even designed a T-shirt(below) which unfortunately didn't get approved as our department T-shirt.


His ignorant statement was more than a mere idiotic statement. It was one that even Tim Berners-Lee or Al Gore wouldn't have imagined.
Now all I need is some serious funding and a think-tank to start a company with that statement as its motto.

Stoopid

People are so stupid. I think even if you tried your level best you can't but find a stupid person everyday in your life. I have been very fortunate to come across tons of stupid people in my walk. Maybe its that old maxim, "birds of a feather flock together". Naa, I said I come across them, not hang out with them.

The degree of stupidity varies from titiliatingly funny to downright absurd. the former I can stand. Infact some amount of stupity is nice. It always brings a smile to one. Else I DETEST stupid people. A strong word, detest, but I just simply can't stand stupid people.

My college was filled with stupid people. Infact my lab chummie was dumb to the core. I
remember we once sat beside each other scratching our heads over a DBMS error which read something like "blah blah blah error blah blah blah at line 23 blah bla". I also hate DBMS probably explaining the reason as to why I don't remember the error. Now while I was trying to kill time by pretending to think hard our friend here actually was thinking. He was with both his hands beside his ears thinking deeeeep. After five long minutes of delibration he lets out a cry and I feign interest and look all excited. Shucks now that he has resolved the error we have to work more.
I hated him.
He finally looked at me with all his 33 teeth,
one probably popped out in his excitement, and said "I got it!", in his weird south Indian broken English accent, "There is a problem somewhere in line 23". What can I say. I just
wanted to kiss the genius.

Another idiot who arouses not only pity but curses is this guy I met in a temple. After the pooja, the poojari comes along with the prasad and the lamp. The dude next to me drops in a 100 buck note and takes back change of 80. Smart naa.

And what about the so called "designers" who make water taps that require you to have a Phd to get them to work. Even god doesn't know how many "designers" I have cursed when I stand in front of a mirror with dirty hands figuring out how the hell do I get water out of this silly looking tap. Ali Baba too would have had his hands ful at this. These "designers" just don't stop there. Nosir, they have to apply their mind to my office doors too. My favourite haunt in office, 3rd floor terrace, has one of the most stupidly designed door ever. The "pull" and "push" has been reversed. Now any door I try to open I always do it the wrong way first and then the right way. Morons.

Not to forget mention of the people who ask ridiculously stupid questions. I was in the loo and these two friends of mine entered and go "Hey!!! What are you doing here?". Or like yesterday I met my friend in Pizza Hut and he said "Chickennn!! What are you doing here man??". Are these questions worth even my precious time... but I just can't keep my mouth shut, I have to say something even if I am the only one who laughs after that. What am I doing in the men's room ? Common, of course I came here to clean the toilets. And what on earth could I be doing in Pizza Hut? Oh yea, I came to check whether they used cheese on the pizzas or just glue and dough.

My work place is not filled with erudites either. At times I feel that the HR folks have worked very hard to find the stupidest of the lot. On pointing to a networks book by Richard Stevens and asking "whose book is it?" or pointing to a Nokia 1100 phone and asking "whose mobile is it?" you shouldn't be surprised to get an answer "Richard Steven's" or "Nokia's".

Why on earth are people so stupid. Don't act all stupid with me.
I'll be nicer when you get smarter.

Why

Why is it that when I lay down to sleep my neighbour's dogs go beserk

Why is it that the only people who ever call me are offering me credit cards

Why is it that my friend in office only remembers when he wants me to drop him home

Why is it that nothing goes unnoticed from my eye

Why is it that I remember the bad things you have done and it kills me inside

Why is it that people can't take hints

Why is it that the person whom I love dearly doesn't reciprocrate the same way

Why is it that what I want most eludes me

Why is it that I am losing my faith in love

Why is it that the customer care lady puts on an accent and is still stupid

Why is it that people give gifts only because you gave them one

Why is it that I love Mythology and haven't done anything about it

Why is it that I am the only one who finds my violin-ing music

Delivery

December 7th 2006
I pushed open the heavy glass door and was instantaneously gripped by an eerie silence. The air was heavy and stagnant. I slowly made my way to my place and checked my mail. To my surprise I found a mail which read something like “you have to deliver by tomorrow”!
What?? I never expected it to be so soon. And what do you mean deliver by tomorrow? For Pete’s sake, this is my first delivery and you are already giving me a deadline? Not helping!

My mind was deluged by thoughts like, “will I be able to do it?” “Will I it fail?” “Will I be able to handle the responsibility it brings” “Will the father be happy after the delivery?” “What if the baby turns out to be dysfunctional”

After somehow calming myself with some deep breaths as was advised by people who consider themselves to be veterans in delivering, I picked up the phone and called up my husband.
Ahh, my wonderful husband. I have no clue how I got tied up to him. All I know is he is lousy.

So my husband and I are sitting side by side, ofcourse without any eye contact, we have our ego’s you see, and pondering as to how to go about the whole crap. He takes over the sole chair at my place with authority while I, who was supposed to be delivering, had to stand. A real man he has turned into.

He did some crap and soon we realized that I am not authorized to deliver!! (not getting into details as I am lazy). He reluctantly uses his name to do the initial formalities. (first sign of a break up?). All this takes away the whole damn day. I am screaming in pain and they postpone my delivery to tomorrow. What do men know about pain?

December 8th, 2006
We both arrive early and start the process. Senior people around often dropped by with a broad sympathetic, mocking rather, smile and said “first delivery uh?. Enjoy”. Talk about empathizing.
Soon the whole area knew about my delivery. It was the talk of the town. My place became like a nostalgic coffee shop with people recalling their first delivery. Lot of laughs.

Little did they know the pain I was going through and the tension between my husband and me. He was like a baby with an attention span worse than that of a squirrel. He was of no help. All he did was nibble on chips and increase my frustration and make me feel guilty for going in for an arrange marriage. I should have chosen my own guy.
After putting up with him I think I can handle whatever comes out.

Well, finally the time had come. He ditched me.
Reason: he wanted to play table tennis!!
I gave him a puppy face look which cried out "Oh come on. I am in the middle of my delivery. You just can't walk out.". He was unmoved.
I was sitting there helpless as I watched him leave. On his way out he cried, “find someone else”.

Men will always be men. They won’t realize what women have to go through.

But I am not the silent kind. After a lot of effort I finally managed to seduce another man. He was a nice chap but the only problem is he so lazy that he doesn’t care two hoots which way the baby comes out.

It was the final stages of the process and I could hear gossip about who the actual father is, and in another corner people snickering and saying “push Shalabh, push”.
By eight in the evening the ordeal was over and I had delivered.
People let out a cry of joy. A generous lady handed me a packet of chocolates, which I guess was more like “you can have all my calories, dear”.

Couple days later, some jobless lady decided to “validate” my baby and she found a process error. Some part of it was missing!!! I had no clue what was going on. My “two” husbands began casting aspersions on each other when finally my first husband looked at me and blamed me! Just look at the audacity the man has.
Luckily the jobless lady happened to be nice and so she said she will use her magical powers and fill in those empty parts without anybody noticing and sent it France where its grandparents take matters in their hands.

Now I can relax until some brilliant meddling person decides to meddle with my baby and point out some flaw. Humans are cruel. They love finding flaws with other’s children.

Anyways, I am strong. I shall handle anything one can throw at my child or me. Except of course the dreadful question “Where do babies come from?”


PS: for the ignorant, my company calls dispatching a code change and stuff as a “delivery” (christened probably due to the labour pains one has to go through?) and by “husband” I meant my mentor.

Girlfriend

Women are the reason I don't have a girlfriend.

Over the 22 trips that I have made around the sun, the most frequent question that I've been asked is regarding my social life. Infact I can't remember any question that I have been asked other than:
"So who is your girlfriend?”
Or at times an exaggerated version of the same "how many girls are you going out with today?” to which my reaction is abashedly lowering my head and laughing out a denial. What else am I expected to do? Pull out a whole number from thin air?

I have been asked this from school friends when we meet like once in 5 years to college friends when they are drunk, from friends visiting from non Asian countries to cousins, from teammates to managers(WOW!) and not to mention girls! The best part is they don't just ask you, rather they TELL you. They make you believe you have a girlfriend and anything else you say you are lying.

Everywhere you go you come across this question. Its now become an integral part of an introduction. "Hi I am [your name]. ...you have any girlfriend?"

The worst part is people with whom I have been acquainted for like 3 minutes ask me the same damn question!! Any sane person in my place would sense an opportunity to raise his "market value", (yes, in the real world you get measured based on the number of girlfriends you have) and would whip out a number like say [you can write your lucky number here]. But I am not like that.

I think for the future.

If I would say 3(which I fancy), I can see what would hit me next. "Tell me about them". "How did you propose to the first". "Whom do you like the most”. “What happened to them" blah blah blah. Ofcourse all asked like an "in the moment thing", with total disinterest.

Now answering all those questions tactfully could increase one's market value considerably and also you might actually turn that fictional 3 to a real 1. "Women are bloody" as said by Somerset Maugham. They'd fall for the most silliest of all things in a man.

But I am lazy. I am a software engineer.(please don't laugh). Being smart I know the chances of me saying something tactful which a passing by lady would hear and actually buy my bullshit and go head over heels is... ummm negative. So why even bother.

There are only 2 reasons why a guy would get a girl.
One is he must be attractive, which nosir I am not. A far cry from it rather.
Second, he must have great treasures (both materialistic and non materialistic with more emphasis on the former). Well I have a lot of hidden treasures (non materialistic) and as you can see boasting is not one of them. But when you have great treasures and you tell people of them, seldom are you believed.

It can't get any better than this. A mathematical like proof to show why Shalabh doesn't have a girlfriend. Yet I am asked the dreadful question. For a more mathematical proof go here.

If you were smart like me, you'd spend 5 minutes trying to figure out how to recline your seat and then lean back with your hands behind your head with a smile to let the whole world know of your great accomplishment. Somewhere between finding out how to recline your seat and actually doing so you will realize why the first question a guy asks another guy contains the word "girlfriend". It’s quite simple actually.

If you answer, no you don't have a girlfriend, your market value is like ZERO! Your adversary has the upperhand! You are like an inferior mendicant! You are a LOSER!!! Shame on you.

If you happen to have one, don't smile, its worse. Your adversary will crack up mentally wondering "How the heck does this crow have a girlfriend!" and at times may even laugh at your face. A catch-22 situation for you.

Being asked this question from a guy is nothing to worry about as any answer you give is just going to make you be ridiculed at. Being asked, TOLD rather, the same by a girl is downright problematic! When a girl at every stage of my life, school to work, TOLD me about my girlfriend I finally realized why I don't have a girlfriend!(apart from the fact that I am Evil). Every girl must have thought I already have a girlfriend and hence never bothered to give me their precious time. Damn! This is so harmful!

This means it’s because of women that I don't have a girlfriend.

Hence Proved

QED

Butterfly

She walks through the lilies

holding her eye on me

as I

long for her with an optimism of a gold rush

awaiting to settle on me

broken glass I tread, only to

have her snicker at me