Delivery
December 7th 2006
I pushed open the heavy glass door and was instantaneously gripped by an eerie silence. The air was heavy and stagnant. I slowly made my way to my place and checked my mail. To my surprise I found a mail which read something like “you have to deliver by tomorrow”!
What?? I never expected it to be so soon. And what do you mean deliver by tomorrow? For Pete’s sake, this is my first delivery and you are already giving me a deadline? Not helping!
My mind was deluged by thoughts like, “will I be able to do it?” “Will I it fail?” “Will I be able to handle the responsibility it brings” “Will the father be happy after the delivery?” “What if the baby turns out to be dysfunctional”
After somehow calming myself with some deep breaths as was advised by people who consider themselves to be veterans in delivering, I picked up the phone and called up my husband.
Ahh, my wonderful husband. I have no clue how I got tied up to him. All I know is he is lousy.
So my husband and I are sitting side by side, ofcourse without any eye contact, we have our ego’s you see, and pondering as to how to go about the whole crap. He takes over the sole chair at my place with authority while I, who was supposed to be delivering, had to stand. A real man he has turned into.
He did some crap and soon we realized that I am not authorized to deliver!! (not getting into details as I am lazy). He reluctantly uses his name to do the initial formalities. (first sign of a break up?). All this takes away the whole damn day. I am screaming in pain and they postpone my delivery to tomorrow. What do men know about pain?
December 8th, 2006
We both arrive early and start the process. Senior people around often dropped by with a broad sympathetic, mocking rather, smile and said “first delivery uh?. Enjoy”. Talk about empathizing.
Soon the whole area knew about my delivery. It was the talk of the town. My place became like a nostalgic coffee shop with people recalling their first delivery. Lot of laughs.
Little did they know the pain I was going through and the tension between my husband and me. He was like a baby with an attention span worse than that of a squirrel. He was of no help. All he did was nibble on chips and increase my frustration and make me feel guilty for going in for an arrange marriage. I should have chosen my own guy.
After putting up with him I think I can handle whatever comes out.
Well, finally the time had come. He ditched me.
Reason: he wanted to play table tennis!!
I gave him a puppy face look which cried out "Oh come on. I am in the middle of my delivery. You just can't walk out.". He was unmoved.
I was sitting there helpless as I watched him leave. On his way out he cried, “find someone else”.
Men will always be men. They won’t realize what women have to go through.
But I am not the silent kind. After a lot of effort I finally managed to seduce another man. He was a nice chap but the only problem is he so lazy that he doesn’t care two hoots which way the baby comes out.
It was the final stages of the process and I could hear gossip about who the actual father is, and in another corner people snickering and saying “push Shalabh, push”.
By eight in the evening the ordeal was over and I had delivered.
People let out a cry of joy. A generous lady handed me a packet of chocolates, which I guess was more like “you can have all my calories, dear”.
Couple days later, some jobless lady decided to “validate” my baby and she found a process error. Some part of it was missing!!! I had no clue what was going on. My “two” husbands began casting aspersions on each other when finally my first husband looked at me and blamed me! Just look at the audacity the man has.
Luckily the jobless lady happened to be nice and so she said she will use her magical powers and fill in those empty parts without anybody noticing and sent it France where its grandparents take matters in their hands.
Now I can relax until some brilliant meddling person decides to meddle with my baby and point out some flaw. Humans are cruel. They love finding flaws with other’s children.
Anyways, I am strong. I shall handle anything one can throw at my child or me. Except of course the dreadful question “Where do babies come from?”
PS: for the ignorant, my company calls dispatching a code change and stuff as a “delivery” (christened probably due to the labour pains one has to go through?) and by “husband” I meant my mentor.
I pushed open the heavy glass door and was instantaneously gripped by an eerie silence. The air was heavy and stagnant. I slowly made my way to my place and checked my mail. To my surprise I found a mail which read something like “you have to deliver by tomorrow”!
What?? I never expected it to be so soon. And what do you mean deliver by tomorrow? For Pete’s sake, this is my first delivery and you are already giving me a deadline? Not helping!
My mind was deluged by thoughts like, “will I be able to do it?” “Will I it fail?” “Will I be able to handle the responsibility it brings” “Will the father be happy after the delivery?” “What if the baby turns out to be dysfunctional”
After somehow calming myself with some deep breaths as was advised by people who consider themselves to be veterans in delivering, I picked up the phone and called up my husband.
Ahh, my wonderful husband. I have no clue how I got tied up to him. All I know is he is lousy.
So my husband and I are sitting side by side, ofcourse without any eye contact, we have our ego’s you see, and pondering as to how to go about the whole crap. He takes over the sole chair at my place with authority while I, who was supposed to be delivering, had to stand. A real man he has turned into.
He did some crap and soon we realized that I am not authorized to deliver!! (not getting into details as I am lazy). He reluctantly uses his name to do the initial formalities. (first sign of a break up?). All this takes away the whole damn day. I am screaming in pain and they postpone my delivery to tomorrow. What do men know about pain?
December 8th, 2006
We both arrive early and start the process. Senior people around often dropped by with a broad sympathetic, mocking rather, smile and said “first delivery uh?. Enjoy”. Talk about empathizing.
Soon the whole area knew about my delivery. It was the talk of the town. My place became like a nostalgic coffee shop with people recalling their first delivery. Lot of laughs.
Little did they know the pain I was going through and the tension between my husband and me. He was like a baby with an attention span worse than that of a squirrel. He was of no help. All he did was nibble on chips and increase my frustration and make me feel guilty for going in for an arrange marriage. I should have chosen my own guy.
After putting up with him I think I can handle whatever comes out.
Well, finally the time had come. He ditched me.
Reason: he wanted to play table tennis!!
I gave him a puppy face look which cried out "Oh come on. I am in the middle of my delivery. You just can't walk out.". He was unmoved.
I was sitting there helpless as I watched him leave. On his way out he cried, “find someone else”.
Men will always be men. They won’t realize what women have to go through.
But I am not the silent kind. After a lot of effort I finally managed to seduce another man. He was a nice chap but the only problem is he so lazy that he doesn’t care two hoots which way the baby comes out.
It was the final stages of the process and I could hear gossip about who the actual father is, and in another corner people snickering and saying “push Shalabh, push”.
By eight in the evening the ordeal was over and I had delivered.
People let out a cry of joy. A generous lady handed me a packet of chocolates, which I guess was more like “you can have all my calories, dear”.
Couple days later, some jobless lady decided to “validate” my baby and she found a process error. Some part of it was missing!!! I had no clue what was going on. My “two” husbands began casting aspersions on each other when finally my first husband looked at me and blamed me! Just look at the audacity the man has.
Luckily the jobless lady happened to be nice and so she said she will use her magical powers and fill in those empty parts without anybody noticing and sent it France where its grandparents take matters in their hands.
Now I can relax until some brilliant meddling person decides to meddle with my baby and point out some flaw. Humans are cruel. They love finding flaws with other’s children.
Anyways, I am strong. I shall handle anything one can throw at my child or me. Except of course the dreadful question “Where do babies come from?”
PS: for the ignorant, my company calls dispatching a code change and stuff as a “delivery” (christened probably due to the labour pains one has to go through?) and by “husband” I meant my mentor.
posted by Shalabh at 11:53 AM
4 Comments:
"CONGRATULATIONSSSSSSSSSS!!!"
Wishing u many more happy deliveries but plzz do keep the population of india in mind!!!
Thanks. I shall try and maintain the population and maybe even take it to the next level
man u hav an awsome gift to stretch on such a silly point(delivery) n actually make it an interesting read!!! kudus to u!!!
Thanks Amit
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