Girlfriend

Women are the reason I don't have a girlfriend.

Over the 22 trips that I have made around the sun, the most frequent question that I've been asked is regarding my social life. Infact I can't remember any question that I have been asked other than:
"So who is your girlfriend?”
Or at times an exaggerated version of the same "how many girls are you going out with today?” to which my reaction is abashedly lowering my head and laughing out a denial. What else am I expected to do? Pull out a whole number from thin air?

I have been asked this from school friends when we meet like once in 5 years to college friends when they are drunk, from friends visiting from non Asian countries to cousins, from teammates to managers(WOW!) and not to mention girls! The best part is they don't just ask you, rather they TELL you. They make you believe you have a girlfriend and anything else you say you are lying.

Everywhere you go you come across this question. Its now become an integral part of an introduction. "Hi I am [your name]. ...you have any girlfriend?"

The worst part is people with whom I have been acquainted for like 3 minutes ask me the same damn question!! Any sane person in my place would sense an opportunity to raise his "market value", (yes, in the real world you get measured based on the number of girlfriends you have) and would whip out a number like say [you can write your lucky number here]. But I am not like that.

I think for the future.

If I would say 3(which I fancy), I can see what would hit me next. "Tell me about them". "How did you propose to the first". "Whom do you like the most”. “What happened to them" blah blah blah. Ofcourse all asked like an "in the moment thing", with total disinterest.

Now answering all those questions tactfully could increase one's market value considerably and also you might actually turn that fictional 3 to a real 1. "Women are bloody" as said by Somerset Maugham. They'd fall for the most silliest of all things in a man.

But I am lazy. I am a software engineer.(please don't laugh). Being smart I know the chances of me saying something tactful which a passing by lady would hear and actually buy my bullshit and go head over heels is... ummm negative. So why even bother.

There are only 2 reasons why a guy would get a girl.
One is he must be attractive, which nosir I am not. A far cry from it rather.
Second, he must have great treasures (both materialistic and non materialistic with more emphasis on the former). Well I have a lot of hidden treasures (non materialistic) and as you can see boasting is not one of them. But when you have great treasures and you tell people of them, seldom are you believed.

It can't get any better than this. A mathematical like proof to show why Shalabh doesn't have a girlfriend. Yet I am asked the dreadful question. For a more mathematical proof go here.

If you were smart like me, you'd spend 5 minutes trying to figure out how to recline your seat and then lean back with your hands behind your head with a smile to let the whole world know of your great accomplishment. Somewhere between finding out how to recline your seat and actually doing so you will realize why the first question a guy asks another guy contains the word "girlfriend". It’s quite simple actually.

If you answer, no you don't have a girlfriend, your market value is like ZERO! Your adversary has the upperhand! You are like an inferior mendicant! You are a LOSER!!! Shame on you.

If you happen to have one, don't smile, its worse. Your adversary will crack up mentally wondering "How the heck does this crow have a girlfriend!" and at times may even laugh at your face. A catch-22 situation for you.

Being asked this question from a guy is nothing to worry about as any answer you give is just going to make you be ridiculed at. Being asked, TOLD rather, the same by a girl is downright problematic! When a girl at every stage of my life, school to work, TOLD me about my girlfriend I finally realized why I don't have a girlfriend!(apart from the fact that I am Evil). Every girl must have thought I already have a girlfriend and hence never bothered to give me their precious time. Damn! This is so harmful!

This means it’s because of women that I don't have a girlfriend.

Hence Proved

QED