as he shifted nervously on the icpalli..

Radar Love

2008-09-20T01:20:00.003+05:30

On a boring night I was browsing through profiles in search of something interesting and I bumped across a blog which had a rather interesting post.

Here is how it went

1. Put your iPod (or other source of music) on shuffle mode.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write the name of the song no matter what.
No cheating!

1. “If someone says ‘Is this okay?’, you say?”
Girls just wanna have fun-Cyndi Lauper

2. “What would best describe your personality?”
Smell like teen spirit - Nirvana

3. “What do you like in a guy/girl?”
Tears in Heaven - Eric Clapton

4. “How do you feel today?”
Lets make a night - Bryan Adams

5. “What is your life’s purpose?”
Maneater - Nelly Furtado

6. “What is your motto?”
Saturday Night - Whigfield

7. “What do your friends think of you?”
Se A Vide E (Go Girl)- Petshop boys

8. “What do you think of your parents?”
Wild Child - Enya

9. “What do you think about very often?”
Eagle - Abba

10. “What is 2+2?”
Cowboy and the lady - John Denver

11. “What do you think of your best friend?”
Crazy - Gnarls Barkley

12. “What do you think of the person you like?”
Like a Virgin - Madonna

13. “What is your life story?”
Soldier of Fortune - Deep Purple

14. “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini - Brian Hylan

15. “What do you think when you see the person you like?”
I wonder - Abba

16. “What do your parents think of you?”
I'm not like everybody else - The Kinks

17. “What will you dance to at your wedding?”
Wheel of fortune - Ace of Base

18. “What will they play at your funeral?”
Lady Midnight - Leonard Cohen

19. “What is your hobby/interest?”
Imagine - John Lennon

20. “What is your biggest secret?”
Uptown girl - Billy Joel (LOL. I only just mentioned to my roomie about this personable girl who lives uptown)

“What do you think of your friends?”
Smell of rock - Enigma

22. “What should you post this as?”
Radar Love - Golden Earing

Table Tennis

2008-01-06T23:43:00.000+05:30

“love all”, resounded the room.

We stood face to face across the table. Something was wrong. Something was always wrong, but this time it felt really wrong. I quickly turned my gaze privileging my eye with the beauty reflected on the window.

A few minutes later, the water in my eyes focused my gaze off her reflection and sailed me into the past.

….

Wintry nights are hard. Actuated by restrained love. The cold biting night embraced me hard when I saw you chain the love monster that I had instilled in you. I could see a love restrained.

“love - one”

With the last bit of strength in me, I let go of my letter in your care. “Win her I would”, I said to myself as I trudged back a loser.

“Take another shot of courage…” ran the Eagles lyrics in my mind.

“one – all”

Weeks sailed by and the magic of love withstood the inclement weather and was beginning to blossom. You were so carefree. I was part of your happiness! The jokes, the long hours of silence staring at the mares frolic. All was bliss. But in your absence I was insecure. Afraid of the future. Our future. Fear besieged me and pushed me to do things I never imagined I would be doing. Work which I thought would please you. Please us.

Time flew.

“seven - one”

The bad old winter was approaching. The same fretful place where I left you with the care of my letter began looking gloomier by the day. The place felt colder every time I walked by.

“Wonderful!! You are getting married! Why are you sad. You should be Haa-py”, I said.

“seven - all”

But you read my inner discomfort. “Of course I am sad!” I cried back. “I wanted to win you. Once my work is achieved I’d meet your folks and court you. I am sad because I have failed. Time has failed me. You have failed me. Please don’t leave me alone here. Everyone is teasing me. Please”

“seven – point”

My optimism grew two fold. I wanted to win. I needed to win. I was scared. Fear of failure made be believe I could achieve the impossible. I had a goal. It was crystal clear. You were bigger in my inner eye. I worked hard. I prayed even harder.
When you want something with the bottom of you heart, the whole world conspires to help you achieve it. Divine Intervention it is called. You laughed when I spoke to you of it. But I still had faith.

“eight - point”

…. you lead me to a corner. The feeling was not good. You then twirled with a mixture of happiness and sorrow. I did not understand the expression until I noticed the left hand stretched out. On the fair hand, neatly placed by some lucky man was a ring.

“eight – game!”

What a wonderful smash to end the game. I am amazed by the way you smash. I completely lost sight of the ball.

“But the years went by and the rock just died
Suzie went and left us for some foreign guy”

my mind sang.

A ring unlocking the fortunes for one, sealing the fate of a lonely fighter.
A ring binding two souls, drifting apart two spirits.
A ring …

“What did I do wrong?”, echoed my inner mind. Hence began the introspection. WHy? Why? why?....
Maybe I should have played more carefully. I should have served better.

…. how can someone sow the seeds of love and chop it almost instantaneously? How could I have been fighting for a cause that was lost even before I started.

“eight- twenty three”

Was I cheated? No! You never told me your feelings. It was always I who made the first move. You are a lovely person and I misread your actions.

“eight – twenty five”

But then all those actions are not done to just anybody! You did feel for me in the same way as I did towards you! You bloody did!

“eight – twenty six”

“Move on with your life. I have moved on. I am very happy and you should be too”. It was so easy for you to say.

“move on. I have moved on ….”

How can I explain to you that when you have shaped your life to achieve something, something which you really desire with the truest of convictions, failing to achieve that is the biggest setback in life. And it is by far most difficult trying to “move on”
I only hope you achieve whatever you set your heart on lest you should suffer the pain of “moving on”.

“eight – thirty one”

Was I cheated ? Now I am alone with thoughts and my stupidity. Everyone is laughing. How could I be so helpless?

Why didn’t I make things work? Why didn’t it happen?

“eight – thirty five”

My thoughts are so opposite yours. “It is all fate and your fate is bad. We were never meant to be together”, you spat out, while I held on to the letter you returned.
The smudge from my tear when I wrote it was still visible. You had taken good care of the letter. The ink dissolved in my sweaty palms.

The lines were changed.

“we have to make things work out. We write our own destinies”, I retorted.

“If things don’t work out between you and your husband, don’t blame it on fate and accept it. You need to work towards making things normal”, was the only advice I could give to her.

“eight – thirty nine”

…..

“What are you still playing for??? The game was over long back at twenty one. You are only losing more miserably”, she shouted from across the table.

“huh”, I said coming back to my senses.

“I beat you”, she shouted with joy. “I beat you hollow!” and threw the racket in the air.
“Maybe next time you can try harder”, she laughed out.

“haha. Yea.”

“I am a bad loser”, I said, still shocked at the miserable defeat. “and I don’t have the courage to play with you again. You are a wonderful player”

She left doing the silly carefree dance that she always does, as I gazed out of the window staring into the hazy darkness; my present getting entwined with my past, leaving the cold evening mist tease me.

EPA

2007-03-02T15:25:00.000+05:30

“Shalabh tu bhi ja raha hai?”(Shalabh, are you also going?), enquired my manager as I was staring in disbelief out of my window, trying my level best to divert my mind from what transpired behind me. I sit at the flag end of my floor overlooked by a huge window. And behind me were 3-4 guys changing– the process which usually begins with one taking off their clothes and then hopefully ending with them adorning some other set– from their office wear into their fitness session wear. Now what perplexed me was why change from their office wear to fitness wear when there was hardly any difference between the two, and even more baffling was why on earth did they choose to do all their shenanigans near my commodious cubicle. Why ?

Still wearing a surprised look I answered “Nahi”(No).

“Ok, we shall close your EPA then”

Ten minutes later I trudged behind her towards the conference room wherein we were supposed to meet my other manager, which was kind of like a “Surprise!” as I thought only this manager, the one with whom I marched along, was going to do my EPA. And yes I have two managers, lady managers, stop feeling J now.

EPA stands for Employee Performance Assessment and Development(its not called EPAD because some wisecrack HR realized it would then blatantly suggest Employee Performance Assessment and Doom). In my case it probably is Early Performance Assessment and Development since I just recently joined.

Two ladies seated in front of me.
I, seated in front two ladies, in a closed room.
“Was I looking prim?”
“Did I smell nice?”
“Was is suffering from halitosis?”, were a few of the three patent thoughts that raced around in my mind. I mean, its not like I find myself seated in front of two powerful ladies, who aren’t bitching about each other, if I may add, in a closed room every other day, and I don’t think such hap is ever going to besiege me in the near future, so its pretty understandable that I wanted to be at my prime.

“How are things?” , asked one
Immediately I was at ease. For the first time the female made the first move!
“Fineeee”, I burst out with a huge smile and a strong gush of breath that disproved Newtons’ third law as I didn’t move an inch. One of my doubts was killed as they welcomed my “finee” with a smile. By breath was fine! Ahhhh

Then she continued with her corporate diplomatic talk, I hate it when girls get all diplomatic and stuff, and worse yet, she even used the word diplomatic while her fingers quoted it!

Finally the bell rang. It was the other lady’s chance to speak. I just love this form of dating.
She just nodded and probably due to the nod a couple of “goods” slipped out and looked towards the other lady to take over. I almost let out a cry and then she realized she had to mention another point.

“The testing and delivery also was good”.
Yea! Now you’re talking. I spent my whole bloody Valentine with the stupid switch in some forlorn frigid corner of the lab, monkey testing some silly feature which I had to roll out soon. And it better be commended even though it might fail later.

Finally the two ladies begged leave of me and while departing they leaned forward and looked me right in the eye, while my eyes flitted from one lady’s eye to another, as they tried to scare me by telling me tales of how big and critical the work I am doing is, and scare me they did.

Spam to poetry

2007-02-23T09:33:00.000+05:30

I got a poetry spam in my inbox yesterday(The first 2 verses). I liked the way it began and couldn't resist from adding by bit

The room was dark,
The room was drear,
And all I could feel
Was a rush of fear.

The shades were down,
And it was hard to see,
But I could hear her heart beat,
And it comforted me.

The wind was cold,
The wind was sere,
She asked me to sing,
As I searched for her ring.

Her eyes were blue,
Her brows were black,
I slipped the ring,
Without a sting.

She smiled and she smiled,
And fell on her knees,
To pick up her keys,
That she dropped with a sneeze.

She kissed me left,
She kissed me right,
While hugging me tight,
For I was her knight.

She gave me a pie,
And smiled me goodbye,
”You’re the best ring maker” said she
And it comforted me.

Hanging out

2007-02-10T14:30:00.000+05:30

Falling from heights being my most prominent dream, today’s dream was an aberration I would welcome anytime. I dreamt of a girl. A girl with such enthralling beauty that it’s worth beginning my post with her mention. I have no idea who she was but all I know is that she was wearing a white top and a maroon dupatta and a denim that graced her long legs. Her shoulder length black hair neatly parted from the centre and hid her ears as she smiled and walked with her head inclined to one side. This simple dream was more than enough for me to replay her walk for an additional ninety minutes of sleep. Her beauty is ineffable partly due to the fact that it all seems hazy to me and partly because I am inept at describing her. It was the best way to begin my day today. And it is said, early morning dreams come true. I got my fingers crossed.

Soon I found myself chauffeuring a few friends to the other side of town. One friend had decided to spend her Sunday in our autumn company or rather wanted to show her folks how she audaciously puts up with us goons each and everyday at work or probably the inner machinations of her mind suggested we’d altruistically bring her some gifts which unfortunately or fortunately only one person realized and got a box of sweets which we promptly finished.

The colony was wow! I was immediately taken back to my childhood. The open space, the huge flats, the seclusion, the flora, the feral mongrels, the sprawling lawns, everything was like my ex-colony. Was it another dream? I don’t mind sleeping more.

After a heavy lunch we embarked on the task to watch Kabul Express-Bollywood’s attempt to encash on the Taliban story. I was expecting a lot from it as I had heard good reviews of it from reliable sources, I dare say. Also I love Afghans. Their faces have so much depth. The hardship, the agony, the pain, all so beautifully expressed in their scarred faces. Another reason for me to look forward to the flick.

It sucked donkey balls, OK. It was horrendous. And the weird oblique view I had on the screen filled me with more malaise. I should have changed me stupid seat. It was a bland movie without a single poignant scene; one that is expected from such a movie. The flick can be compared to Behind enemy lines TWO. Yea. I bet you haven’t heard of it let alone seen it. That good the flick was. Behind enemy lines 2 was better than Kabul Express because it got over even before it began. Kinda reminding me of Douglas Adam’s comment “I love deadlines. I love the wooosh sound they make when they go by”

Nevertheless, as long as you have good company along, even the dullest of moments can turn into gold. So after the crappy flick we headed down to explore the campus but soon realized there was nothing there other than a straight road leading to the exit. Finally, abiding by the traditions of colony kids after playing Frisbee and badminton and some friendly bantering we retired to our hovels.

How sycophantic are we

2007-02-06T14:36:00.000+05:30

How sycophantic are we

Innate in me is a feeling of rancor towards sycophants. One of my quotidian goals is to spot people with no integrity of their own. One who will be your buddy in arms and forsake you the next. I have come across numerous such mongrels during the last ten years and I am still amazed at how selfish and inconsiderate can one be.

Worst, first you are treated as a pariah and then when by some quirk of fate, people realize you are good at something and then they all vie to be your “close” friends. I remember in school, after the exams we used to have a week or so of no teaching and we used to bring board games and other paraphernalia and kill time. Then chess was a rave. I wasn’t the most sought after person in class; as kids we tend to lick the behind of only the first ranker or the best batsmen. That was about to change. It was a few minutes before the lunch break where I got a chance to play a game of chess against the, let me say, prominent personality of class. Wow! No one cared a damn, other than me. I was petrified. The game was punctuated by the lunch bell and resumed at two in the afternoon. It was almost time to leave and the game wasn’t over yet. And I looked around to find a parliament of owls with curious eyes and some boisterous laughter on my queen being a half bitten eraser. Ten minutes after school was let off yours truly won. A few seconds after that I was the most popular guy. Any queries related to chess, any challenges, any moderation, any coaching, all through me. A few days later I realized human nature.

Another such encounter was in college. People usually think I am a dumb guy on first encounter and the opinion usually lasts for long. I don’t fret much over it as I believe in the cliché “it takes one to know one”. Only can a discerning artist relate to another. It was during our campus placements when the real sycophants came out into the open. An MNC known for its email had visited campus. Everyone wanted in. Other than me. I had already gotten into the company that is into the work I like and wasn’t keen on shifting. But just for kicks, I wanted to write the test and attend the interview to distend my knowledge. On the day of the test I walked into the audi unprepared and fell out of place seeing everyone doing last minute preparations. I was one of the twenty out of some big number to clear the written. Late in the evening I walk into the interview room like a ragamuffin. An hour or so later I was among the 4 short listed for the next round. I sure was ecstatic. I wasn’t prepared and getting to the last four was bliss. Of course, I didn’t make it as fortune favors the prepared. But the next day people who hadn’t uttered a word to me spoke to me like they knew me for years. One guy even began calling me! How low can one get.

What about the day in office where I was standing in line to get some popcorn behind the head of our BU who is a foreigner named David. People who passed by were staring in awe at him. They were smiling in a very sly way. The looks that they and the popcorn lady gave was like God himself had come down to get some popcorn. It was plain preposterous.

Its amazing how we always want to hang out with the coolest person, how we always want to be nice with the pretty girl or the handsome man, how we promptly offer our seat to pretty lass while letting the old man struggle to stand or how we always find time to help the foreigner.

Best describing our rotten nature, is as one described the relation between the sheep to their shepherd “They will stick to me as long as I can find them greener pastures”

Happy New Year

2007-01-19T21:45:00.000+05:30

Year Two Thousand and Seven began in a not so interesting way when you look back and see all the excitement a new year has brought to me. Most notably the four years of engineering, wherein the probability of having an external exam on 1^st or 2^nd January was point nine up to five decimal places. So my new years were mostly fraught with excitement, nervousness and a sudden impetuous for February.

This time nothing of that sort. It was a slow day and as most my team members and other employees were on an extended vacation the place was cold, both literally and figuratively. The floor was eerie and the goldenish soporific lights brought nothing but ennui.

Although I don't crave for forlorn surroundings, I kind of enjoyed it this time. I could do anything I wanted. I could keep my legs on the desk, I could sing loud, I could look at web pages on LEGO and stuffed toys without being scorned at or the best part, with the exiguous presence of people around it felt like I was solely responsible for all the work being done around.

But this feeling, like all feelings are, was ephemeral. To add irritation was the omnipresent apathetic "Happy New Year" followed by "How was your vacation?"Everyone where you go, everyone you meet, you ears are impinged with these two phrases and all spoken with competing indifference.It’s like when you have a stone in your hand you involuntarily through it."Happy New Year" became that stone which was thrown the moment you see someone; one that has only content but no warmth.

I was standing beside the water cooler when one person wished the other "Happy New Year" to which this person replied "Yea, Happy to you too". I tried my best to control my laughter which resulted in a weird sounding hiccup."Happy to you to”? What does that mean? Probably he too was frustrated by the unmeaningful statements he had received all day long. I recall on my birthday when all were busy pouncing on the sweets, one wisecrack wished me "happy" and pounced on the sweets, leaving me to fill "Birthday".

Its disheartening to see most of us just say things because the occasion demands it. Shouldn’t we say things with conviction else just don't say them. But I guess since we are in a "professional" environment we have to put up fronts.

Happy New Year to you too.

And you like.... ?

2007-01-13T10:33:00.000+05:30

(click on the image to enlarge)

If you look gingerly, you will realize that each letter has a meaning of its own.
My favourite letter is the 'el'. I Like the way he stands akimbo and just love his tail. It took me eighteen tries to get it like this and I recommend you set it as your wallpaper and imbue yourself with AWE o-<|:o)

What do you like ?

Joke of 2006

2007-01-01T11:22:00.000+05:30

Hadlee: Santosh, why the fuck do you have a PAN card in your wallet
Santosh: ID proof maga
...
Shreyas: Lets get into this party...(RSI club)
Doggie: Balls, those gaurds will ask for ID proof
Shreyas: We'll use Santosh's PAN card

Dim-witted statements give rise to great ideas

2006-12-27T16:03:00.000+05:30

Engineering engenders wonderful ideas which at times metamorphose into great products reaping a lot of tangible and non tangible rewards.One is constantly bombarded with ideas during his or her engineering life. One just has to keep his or her mind open.

It was the beginning of the 7th semester and we were all still recovering from the pleasant shock after having passed in microprocessors the previous semester.
It was the Networks class. In walks a short man(we called him chotu, with love). The moment he entered we all evinced our grief. He had taught microprocessors the previous semester and he had no clue what was going on. I bet he still doesn't.

Seeing our disappointment, the first thing he said was something like "Last semester I did not know mewP well. I was new to it and I too was learning and teaching at the same time. But this time you can ask me anything in Networks. I am exceptional at it"

Seated at the last bench we couldn't see who spoke these words. By the confident tone and the sort of echo and the light rays from the window we thought God himself had spoken these words. All our apprehensions were laid to rest.
"ahhh now we can open our book a day before the exam, if not two days before", cried one smart alec.

A few minutes into the class chotu came to the topic of LAN, MAN and WAN and with the same effusion of enthusiasm that he began the class with he said something that changed our lives completely: "WAN is between countries and Internet is between planets", so much so that I even designed a T-shirt(below) which unfortunately didn't get approved as our department T-shirt.

His ignorant statement was more than a mere idiotic statement. It was one that even Tim Berners-Lee or Al Gore wouldn't have imagined.
Now all I need is some serious funding and a think-tank to start a company with that statement as its motto.

Stoopid

2006-12-21T19:14:00.000+05:30

People are so stupid. I think even if you tried your level best you can't but find a stupid person everyday in your life. I have been very fortunate to come across tons of stupid people in my walk. Maybe its that old maxim, "birds of a feather flock together". Naa, I said I come across them, not hang out with them.

The degree of stupidity varies from titiliatingly funny to downright absurd. the former I can stand. Infact some amount of stupity is nice. It always brings a smile to one. Else I DETEST stupid people. A strong word, detest, but I just simply can't stand stupid people.

My college was filled with stupid people. Infact my lab chummie was dumb to the core. I
remember we once sat beside each other scratching our heads over a DBMS error which read something like "blah blah blah error blah blah blah at line 23 blah bla". I also hate DBMS probably explaining the reason as to why I don't remember the error. Now while I was trying to kill time by pretending to think hard our friend here actually was thinking. He was with both his hands beside his ears thinking deeeeep. After five long minutes of delibration he lets out a cry and I feign interest and look all excited. Shucks now that he has resolved the error we have to work more.
I hated him.
He finally looked at me with all his 33 teeth,
one probably popped out in his excitement, and said "I got it!", in his weird south Indian broken English accent, "There is a problem somewhere in line 23". What can I say. I just
wanted to kiss the genius.

Another idiot who arouses not only pity but curses is this guy I met in a temple. After the pooja, the poojari comes along with the prasad and the lamp. The dude next to me drops in a 100 buck note and takes back change of 80. Smart naa.

And what about the so called "designers" who make water taps that require you to have a Phd to get them to work. Even god doesn't know how many "designers" I have cursed when I stand in front of a mirror with dirty hands figuring out how the hell do I get water out of this silly looking tap. Ali Baba too would have had his hands ful at this. These "designers" just don't stop there. Nosir, they have to apply their mind to my office doors too. My favourite haunt in office, 3rd floor terrace, has one of the most stupidly designed door ever. The "pull" and "push" has been reversed. Now any door I try to open I always do it the wrong way first and then the right way. Morons.

Not to forget mention of the people who ask ridiculously stupid questions. I was in the loo and these two friends of mine entered and go "Hey!!! What are you doing here?". Or like yesterday I met my friend in Pizza Hut and he said "Chickennn!! What are you doing here man??". Are these questions worth even my precious time... but I just can't keep my mouth shut, I have to say something even if I am the only one who laughs after that. What am I doing in the men's room ? Common, of course I came here to clean the toilets. And what on earth could I be doing in Pizza Hut? Oh yea, I came to check whether they used cheese on the pizzas or just glue and dough.

My work place is not filled with erudites either. At times I feel that the HR folks have worked very hard to find the stupidest of the lot. On pointing to a networks book by Richard Stevens and asking "whose book is it?" or pointing to a Nokia 1100 phone and asking "whose mobile is it?" you shouldn't be surprised to get an answer "Richard Steven's" or "Nokia's".

Why on earth are people so stupid. Don't act all stupid with me.
I'll be nicer when you get smarter.

Why

2006-12-17T21:37:00.001+05:30

Why is it that when I lay down to sleep my neighbour's dogs go beserk

Why is it that the only people who ever call me are offering me credit cards

Why is it that my friend in office only remembers when he wants me to drop him home

Why is it that nothing goes unnoticed from my eye

Why is it that I remember the bad things you have done and it kills me inside

Why is it that people can't take hints

Why is it that the person whom I love dearly doesn't reciprocrate the same way

Why is it that what I want most eludes me

Why is it that I am losing my faith in love

Why is it that the customer care lady puts on an accent and is still stupid

Why is it that people give gifts only because you gave them one

Why is it that I love Mythology and haven't done anything about it

Why is it that I am the only one who finds my violin-ing music

Delivery

2006-12-14T11:53:00.000+05:30

December 7th 2006
I pushed open the heavy glass door and was instantaneously gripped by an eerie silence. The air was heavy and stagnant. I slowly made my way to my place and checked my mail. To my surprise I found a mail which read something like “you have to deliver by tomorrow”!
What?? I never expected it to be so soon. And what do you mean deliver by tomorrow? For Pete’s sake, this is my first delivery and you are already giving me a deadline? Not helping!

My mind was deluged by thoughts like, “will I be able to do it?” “Will I it fail?” “Will I be able to handle the responsibility it brings” “Will the father be happy after the delivery?” “What if the baby turns out to be dysfunctional”

After somehow calming myself with some deep breaths as was advised by people who consider themselves to be veterans in delivering, I picked up the phone and called up my husband.
Ahh, my wonderful husband. I have no clue how I got tied up to him. All I know is he is lousy.

So my husband and I are sitting side by side, ofcourse without any eye contact, we have our ego’s you see, and pondering as to how to go about the whole crap. He takes over the sole chair at my place with authority while I, who was supposed to be delivering, had to stand. A real man he has turned into.

He did some crap and soon we realized that I am not authorized to deliver!! (not getting into details as I am lazy). He reluctantly uses his name to do the initial formalities. (first sign of a break up?). All this takes away the whole damn day. I am screaming in pain and they postpone my delivery to tomorrow. What do men know about pain?

December 8th, 2006
We both arrive early and start the process. Senior people around often dropped by with a broad sympathetic, mocking rather, smile and said “first delivery uh?. Enjoy”. Talk about empathizing.
Soon the whole area knew about my delivery. It was the talk of the town. My place became like a nostalgic coffee shop with people recalling their first delivery. Lot of laughs.

Little did they know the pain I was going through and the tension between my husband and me. He was like a baby with an attention span worse than that of a squirrel. He was of no help. All he did was nibble on chips and increase my frustration and make me feel guilty for going in for an arrange marriage. I should have chosen my own guy.
After putting up with him I think I can handle whatever comes out.

Well, finally the time had come. He ditched me.
Reason: he wanted to play table tennis!!
I gave him a puppy face look which cried out "Oh come on. I am in the middle of my delivery. You just can't walk out.". He was unmoved.
I was sitting there helpless as I watched him leave. On his way out he cried, “find someone else”.

Men will always be men. They won’t realize what women have to go through.

But I am not the silent kind. After a lot of effort I finally managed to seduce another man. He was a nice chap but the only problem is he so lazy that he doesn’t care two hoots which way the baby comes out.

It was the final stages of the process and I could hear gossip about who the actual father is, and in another corner people snickering and saying “push Shalabh, push”.
By eight in the evening the ordeal was over and I had delivered.
People let out a cry of joy. A generous lady handed me a packet of chocolates, which I guess was more like “you can have all my calories, dear”.

Couple days later, some jobless lady decided to “validate” my baby and she found a process error. Some part of it was missing!!! I had no clue what was going on. My “two” husbands began casting aspersions on each other when finally my first husband looked at me and blamed me! Just look at the audacity the man has.
Luckily the jobless lady happened to be nice and so she said she will use her magical powers and fill in those empty parts without anybody noticing and sent it France where its grandparents take matters in their hands.

Now I can relax until some brilliant meddling person decides to meddle with my baby and point out some flaw. Humans are cruel. They love finding flaws with other’s children.

Anyways, I am strong. I shall handle anything one can throw at my child or me. Except of course the dreadful question “Where do babies come from?”

PS: for the ignorant, my company calls dispatching a code change and stuff as a “delivery” (christened probably due to the labour pains one has to go through?) and by “husband” I meant my mentor.

Girlfriend

2006-12-11T22:25:00.000+05:30

Women are the reason I don't have a girlfriend.

Over the 22 trips that I have made around the sun, the most frequent question that I've been asked is regarding my social life. Infact I can't remember any question that I have been asked other than:
"So who is your girlfriend?”
Or at times an exaggerated version of the same "how many girls are you going out with today?” to which my reaction is abashedly lowering my head and laughing out a denial. What else am I expected to do? Pull out a whole number from thin air?

I have been asked this from school friends when we meet like once in 5 years to college friends when they are drunk, from friends visiting from non Asian countries to cousins, from teammates to managers(WOW!) and not to mention girls! The best part is they don't just ask you, rather they TELL you. They make you believe you have a girlfriend and anything else you say you are lying.

Everywhere you go you come across this question. Its now become an integral part of an introduction. "Hi I am [your name]. ...you have any girlfriend?"

The worst part is people with whom I have been acquainted for like 3 minutes ask me the same damn question!! Any sane person in my place would sense an opportunity to raise his "market value", (yes, in the real world you get measured based on the number of girlfriends you have) and would whip out a number like say [you can write your lucky number here]. But I am not like that.

I think for the future.

If I would say 3(which I fancy), I can see what would hit me next. "Tell me about them". "How did you propose to the first". "Whom do you like the most”. “What happened to them" blah blah blah. Ofcourse all asked like an "in the moment thing", with total disinterest.

Now answering all those questions tactfully could increase one's market value considerably and also you might actually turn that fictional 3 to a real 1. "Women are bloody" as said by Somerset Maugham. They'd fall for the most silliest of all things in a man.

But I am lazy. I am a software engineer.(please don't laugh). Being smart I know the chances of me saying something tactful which a passing by lady would hear and actually buy my bullshit and go head over heels is... ummm negative. So why even bother.

There are only 2 reasons why a guy would get a girl.
One is he must be attractive, which nosir I am not. A far cry from it rather.
Second, he must have great treasures (both materialistic and non materialistic with more emphasis on the former). Well I have a lot of hidden treasures (non materialistic) and as you can see boasting is not one of them. But when you have great treasures and you tell people of them, seldom are you believed.

It can't get any better than this. A mathematical like proof to show why Shalabh doesn't have a girlfriend. Yet I am asked the dreadful question. For a more mathematical proof go here.

If you were smart like me, you'd spend 5 minutes trying to figure out how to recline your seat and then lean back with your hands behind your head with a smile to let the whole world know of your great accomplishment. Somewhere between finding out how to recline your seat and actually doing so you will realize why the first question a guy asks another guy contains the word "girlfriend". It’s quite simple actually.

If you answer, no you don't have a girlfriend, your market value is like ZERO! Your adversary has the upperhand! You are like an inferior mendicant! You are a LOSER!!! Shame on you.

If you happen to have one, don't smile, its worse. Your adversary will crack up mentally wondering "How the heck does this crow have a girlfriend!" and at times may even laugh at your face. A catch-22 situation for you.

Being asked this question from a guy is nothing to worry about as any answer you give is just going to make you be ridiculed at. Being asked, TOLD rather, the same by a girl is downright problematic! When a girl at every stage of my life, school to work, TOLD me about my girlfriend I finally realized why I don't have a girlfriend!(apart from the fact that I am Evil). Every girl must have thought I already have a girlfriend and hence never bothered to give me their precious time. Damn! This is so harmful!

This means it’s because of women that I don't have a girlfriend.

Hence Proved

QED

Butterfly

2006-12-11T11:21:00.000+05:30

She walks through the lilies

holding her eye on me

as I

long for her with an optimism of a gold rush

awaiting to settle on me

broken glass I tread, only to

have her snicker at me

Training day

2006-11-30T20:59:00.000+05:30

I couldn't feel my fingers. My cheeks were getting number as I zipped through the empty Bangalore roads, (no I am not kidding, they were empty!) at 7:00 AM. I had to catch a bus from point A to point B and no sane person would dare to drive him/herself from any point to point B.

I would never drive to point B. Yes, I'm a smart ass.

I had registered for a training session with great alacrity, a week or so back, and was really looking forward to it. I comfortably seated myself at the back row,ahh brings back college memories. The whole bus was quiet. It felt like we are prisoners being take to work. I made some smalltalk with people around, who all happened to be sleeping. To lessen the pain of rejection I looked outside the window to see everyone moving backward while I leapt forwards. It was a great feeling of accomplishment.

My feeling of greatness was short lived as I was handed sheet wherein I was supposed to write my name and employee code. Why ??? With a great struggle I somehow wrote my name only to realize it was all over the place. Was it my company's version of a DUI(Driving Under Influence) test ? Only here we are to show our talent by writing legibly and within the 2 lines while the bus swerved and bounced at 70 kmph.

On shamelessly failing the test with a hysterical laugh I woke up a few guys and they saw me pointing to a board which read "...(A subsidiary of something else)" ! LOL. Someone in this planet actually has a sense of humor and the balls to display it on a huge board above his store. Only later I realized "something else" was the name of the adjacent shop. The guy lost all my respect. Loser.

So now I'm sitting in a training session. I had a PC in front of me which actually had a working internet connection and ofcourse in such a situation the most obvious thing I did is to look at the local intranet webpage. Brilliant.

The trainer was a decent chap. He was slim and in a jacket. He had long hair. Kinda looked like a stud. The only thing that worried me was that he kept staring at me. It was like I was the only person in the god damn room. Did he realize that I was the only doofus around ? Or was he one of those few who spotted me to be one of the Intelligentsia? Or was it something else ?Whatever be the reason, we made loads of eye contact and I shied away like a little girl behind her mother.

I was petrified.

During the break he approached me. I was alone. I saw him walking towards me and quickly turned my gaze to my monitor pretending I was deep in some research work. He pulled a chair beside me and laid a hand on my thigh and said in a deep tone "So you come here often ? "
Oops. I am getting carried away. But it was quite possible. He sat beside me and enquired in a reassuring tone whether I was struggling with something. I almost lifted my skirt and ran out of there if one other guy hadn't accosted him. phew.

Sharp 5:30 I ran to the stop to catch the cab where again I was presented with the arduous task of passing our company's version of the DUI, only this time I wrote my name over the lady's name. It was dark ok.

The cab could hardly seat 9 guys and all of them were on their mobiles bombarding my ear drums with eclectic tones. Why do people talk to others miles away when don't even look at the person beside them ?

People are weird.

I really feel awkward gossiping on a mobile when people are around. Not only do I find it unhealthy but its insulting to the people sitting around you waiting for you to get off the phone so they can have a bit of you.

With a not so good experience today, I am a bit skeptical about the next 2 days. It was quite a boring session like all other sessions. I can't sit in one place for long and that too without talking/chatting with someone. I like to talk.
Gawdddddd.
I couldn't take it anymore.Through out the session I kept telling to myself, "common Shalabh, you have done your engg. You have seen the best of the worst. This is nothing". Yea, but he is a corporate trainer. My company could not have shelled out loads of money on a jerk. He has got to be good. Its all in my mind. I must listen attentively. Yes!

Must listen to brain.

I took my eyes of the intraweb page with a command from an almost dysfunctional cranium and heard the dude say "Tomorrow we shall do .....*static*....... I have a few problem sets ........*static*......... they are unsolvable .......*static*...... but we must solve them".

Thats it. Its official. I am calling it quits tomorrow.

D-Day

2006-11-29T21:37:00.000+05:30

Like every year, this time too my happy birthday landed on 24th Nov. All the 'anticapation' and excitement is now over. My arse hurts a bit, not because I sit on it all day long, but because of the N number of boots that got a chance to kiss it on that eventful day.

It was a decent morning, and I was amongst the first few guys to arrive in a dimly lit office. Soon my inbox was inundated with mails with warnings in them. Never in my life had I read such well crafted mails. Short. Laconic. Intimidating. Don Corleone, learn.
No sooner did I get off the phone with my friend, I found myself being escorted by 20+ guys to a remote place. I kinda felt like MJ, you know how people are always out to get him for all the reasons,good and bad. That was my 2 sec of fame. Next thing I knew my butt was making a lot of new acquaintances. I could totally relate to Bond in Casino Royale.

Finally the session ended, but I never told them anything. Just like the movie. Nor did they ask anything. Unlike the flick. As I doddered back to my cube, my friend in a very nice manner urged me to join him for coffee on the terrace, which was a trap. Again I was kicked to death. The whole morning went on like that. People would come by, wish me, pop in a coupleasweets, and kick me arounf like a cheap whore and that too for FREE!

The next day I was dragged by my friend to college to apparently collect our marks card, which again was a trap! Yes how gulible of me. After another round of boots, making it 6 in total, I really began to felt the pain on my right bun. For some funny reason, all the bumps I got were from the left side. But I guess the cakes, yea, cakeS, one in office and one in college, made up for most of it.

One thing that annoys me the most is my name begin misspelt. My name is spelt as Shalabh. Usually one of the h's gets knocked off, and most the last one. So here I am screaming "cake! cake! cake!" and out comes this real swell litchi cake with read "Happy Birthday Shalab". What the... !

I can't see my name being thrashed around like that.

Shalabh is real kewl name. Its got a lovely philosophical meaning to it.Its unique. A guy who happened to have my name(Grrrr!) apparently used to get clobbered by his girl for his name and he happened to read my interpretation of the name Shalabh and then wrote back to thank me for now his girlfriend stopped teasing him about his name and infact respects him and loves him twofold.
So here I am with such an awesome name that commands respect(read incident above) and these people thrash my ego with "Shalab". One of the biggest insults that you could do to a man is misspell his name or mispronounce it. So what do I do ?

Nothing.

Just cut the cake as quickly as I could and enjoyed it to fullest and now bitch about it in some devoid place.
As the eventful day was nearing its demise, I was walking with my friend and when I realised how duped I was.Those cheeky guys had included the cake bill along with my treat. So infact, I had actually paid for my name to be spelt wrong!

Birthday Season!

2006-11-22T19:35:00.000+05:30

Today after a long time I visited my friend's blog when I realised that I too could kill time by writing crap in my own space. And what better way to resume from my long break than in the Birthday season.

Its birthdays all around this November, and mine is just 2 days away. Yea, I am supposed to be really happy, but then when I look around all I see is people grinning at me; the kind of grin that a person sports when he see's his mother-in-law drive off a cliff. They are all out to get me. And the best part is I have known them for like only 2-3 months now and yet they are eager to get their hands on me. Yea, I do tend to leave an everlasting impression on people, *ahem*, and it seems not a very good one.

This time around, 8-9 years back was when I got my first memorable birthday gift. It was from a girl in my school who was my batch mate but in a different section. As usual I walked upto the bus stop in my snow white uniform with an aptly knotted tie. I bet you would have picked me up and kissed me all over, were you there. Atleast I know one girl who would have about whom I may write about someother time.

So, I walk to the bus stop and there Ashwini smiles and says "Happy Birthday, Shalabh" and hands me a card made of notebook paper and some drawings with wool stuck to it to denote the dress/plants and stuff. Man was I taken aback or what! For one she actually remembered my birthday which I had mentioned months ago in a casual convo, but she made me a card!!

I was born on 24th November, 1984, and according to the Chinese calander I am a RAT. Supposedly RATS are very cool people, so I am, and RATS are really cool, which again I am.
And I am told that the most catchy thing about RATS is that they don't give a lot of stuff to others. But at times they tend to give things to people only whom they cherrish. Hmmm so the next time you get something from me, with a little devilish mind you can totally exploit me. yikes!

Now I known that earlier I would have made Ashwini a card or two. Infact I might have made her one, but I don't remember.

I am the creative kind you know.I have lots of things on my mind and tend to be a bit distraught at times.

What I vividly remember is how moved I was when she gave me the card. It was silly(not in a derogatory way) and simple but I was deeply touched by her gesture. It is one of the best moments of my life. I felt the same when I was in my 2nd year engg. I was walking down the road near college when I met my colony friend Chaitra, or Chy as we dearly call him, and out of the blue he wished me! He was the last person on earth I would have expected to remember my birthday. I was seeing him after years. Its these subtleties of life that we look forward to each day. I love being surprised; and I love surprising others like today when I gifted my friend a Simpsons DVD. She was totally thrilled and it felt real nice to see the natural happy look on her face. After all her 'thank yous' which embarrassed me ,I made my way to my cubicle where I surprised my neighbour by giving him an almost nude, lest be it for the cursed leaves, Shakira poster and he and the others around surprised me by giving me birthday bumps, while caliming it to be a practice session...

In the pouring rain

2006-02-02T21:01:00.000+05:30

Walking through the darkness
Thinking about you
In my mind dances
your smile,
those teasing glances,
dowsed in that intoxicating perfume
that made me sing your tune;
Ah! it all felt great;
I sensed my destiny,
In this warm pouring rain…

A few more steps I took,
I could see my destiny;
A few more steps I took,
I shivered, bedraggled
In the rain

In the corner you stood…sinking in his arms
As I watched in pain.
My destiny snatched from me
In this cold pouring rain…

If only I had smiled that day;
If only I had let you know how I felt;
If only opportunity would knock again;
If only we were together…
In this pouring rain

Dawn

2006-01-17T20:12:00.000+05:30

The shying moon leaves a void
As the sky bleeds
introducing the sun to sea;
A white gull, audaciously
Rides the lonely black waves
Filling the breeze with its cry
Master of all it sees
Careless about its house,
Sailing away;
Mesmerized.
By this divine dawn
Occurring all year
Which seen even once
Will live for all eternity

2006-01-12T19:05:00.000+05:30

~

The Holy Chicken: Quassimodo, what are you contemplating?
Quassimodo: uh, mornin’ Lord, didn’t see you come in
THC: I see the candle has been working hard. Stayed up all night did you?
QM: tomorrow is Jenni’s birthday. I am trying to figure out what to give her. Something that will bring back her beaming smile. You know how down she has been lately
THC: ah The Lovely Sally. I hope you have thought of something good
QM: Lord, what do you find happiness in?
THC: mm..for me happiness lies in the simplicity and subtlety of things
QM: yes, Sally had once mentioned about that
THC: she did
QM: tell me Master, how did you spell out your love for the chicken queen?
THC: haha. Well she lived in a coop up the street. I had known her for quite sometime and when I finally decided to tell her of my feelings for her. It was on her birthday that I told her of them. I woke up early, plucked a dozen odd golden yellow bananas and gave it to her with a note which read “I’m bananas about you”
QM: and what did she say.. “ How dare you! You are a banana short of a punch ?”
THC: hahahaha
QM: well I see what you mean by the simplicity and delicacy of things. I remember, Jenni had a tough time making friends with this one girl. She then wrote her a letter and finished it saying if flowers were friends I did pick you. And now there are the best of friends
THC: now that’s what I call subtlety. Learn Quassimodo, learn about the subtlety of life
QM: so is simplicity the secret of eternal happiness ?
THC: I don’t know, but the secret to sadness is trying to satisfy everyone
QM: Thank you for the talk, O Mighty Fowl. I must hurry now
THC: wait! What are you going to give Jenni on her birthday ?
QM: a geranium with a note saying “my love for you grows forever!”

[leave QM]

Selected

2006-01-10T20:42:00.000+05:30

Amid the pitter-patter of the fresh drops of the evening rain she heard a faint mumble from the room on her left . Mrs Ivana looked over her shoulder to find no one there. The mumbling continued, luring the curious Ivana to the room.

Atop a rickety stool stood Messiah in front of a cracked translucent mirror, reading from a book held in his left hand. His brilliant African brown color bounced of the mirror and the scintillating neon light gave conspicuity to the burn scar kissing his eye.

“And what are you upto young man?” , questioned she.

With a startle 12 year old Messiah turned with a broad smile, as if the angel herself had stuck it on his countenance, which took his mother aback. She had never seen him smile that way ever, ever since Mr Smith succumbed to the burns while he was trying to rescue Messiah from their flaming house.

“Mama”, he chirped with that innocent smile, “there is a school play this weekend and teacher said I can enroll for the selections. Isn’t it wonderful Mama? Will you help me Mama? You know how I always wanted to be part of the play team. And tomorrow they are going to award us the parts!”.

The whole night was spent being the generous Antonio to the shrewd Shylock, the magnificent Caesar to the cogent Brutus.

Next day Messiah woke up with that same smile as pristine as ever and rushed to school with alacrity.
Later that evening Mrs Ivana along with her friend Jane went to pick Messiah from school. She told Jane about the previous night, but not with any visible excitement; in fact with a hollow tone.

“Why does your sons’ auditioning sadden you, Iva ?”, enquired Jane noticing her gloom

“You know Jane, its after 5 years that I have seen Messiah so happy. 5 years. I don’t want to see that happiness taken away if he doesn’t get selected. And you know just as well as I do...the chances of him making it are like a dog finding a rainbow”, smoked out Ivana

“A dog finding a rainbow?”, echoed Jane

“Yea…they are colour blind “

No sooner had she said that they found themselves at the gates of Hillside Junior School.

“Mama!” screamed Messiah from behind.

“Mama” he said with gleaming eyes of pride and elation that would put every lion to shame;

“Mama, I’ve been selected!!”

“I’ve been selected to sit beside you and clap!” , he shouted as he bounced clapping his hands with alacrity ,looking on quizzically at the tears race down his mama and her friends’ cheeks.

To a Rose

2006-01-09T19:18:00.000+05:30

You stand aloof but protected
drawing life from a hose;
Enticing them
with beauty every maiden seeks, while
you deftly veil the beauty beneath, with
brilliant red;
As I reach out to feel the delicate
my hand is impeded by an inner fear,
for I may devour your untainted beauty;
HE too empathizes
causing him to weep
for now I can only stand back and
watch, as you gracefully
Beatify his tears
looking even more magnificent than before